My husband calls me weird

I dis many

I turned 4 months on Sunday. Look at my chub! My chins have their own chins. Don't you just want to nom on me? Mommy says I'm too cute for my own good and my doctor says my mommy and daddy grow them "cute and advanced" or whatever that means. Speaking of that mean doctor, he made me get 2 pokes in my legs today. I screamed very loudly just so that he knew how mad I was. It hurt! Thankfully my mommy had my snuggle blanket near by and she covered me with kisses.

I'm 13 lbs 6 oz and 24 inches long. Last week I got to start oatmeal, but it gives me gas. Mommy says it gives her gas too, so now I get to try rice cereal with a touch of apple juice so it doesn't make my poop too hard. Mommy spends too much time worried about my poop.

I can roll from my tummy to my back and I can almost roll from back to tummy. I love my exersaucer and shoving everything into my mouth. Today I realized that we have a cat and I can't wait to try to eat her tail.

Okay, well I gotta run. (Ha, run, I wish. I still need to learn to crawl.) I have ceiling fans to laugh at and mommy's face to mutliate. It is too much fun to try and rip her nose off. You should try it sometime.

Dude

• What is Aaron going to do now that the master of infomercials is dead? The boy loves him some infomercials. In fact he repeats them to me. "Mommy, you need to get the InStyler to help straighten your hair! It straightens without damaging!" Dude.
• Why must birds dive bomb my tires as I'm driving? Death wish? Lost a bet at the bar the other night? Scares the shit out of me. Dude.
• Sophia, Sophia, Sophia......I know you think it's awesome to do everything early, but must you start stranger anxiety at 4 months old?! This screaming bloody murder at everyone you don't know who smiles at you or tries to hold you is really, really a pain in the ass. You're cute and people want to hold you and see you smile. Destroying their ear drums with this high pitch scream of death is just plain rude. Okay. Mommy loves you. Seriously dude.
• Fucking poison ivy. Look. You're not supposed to spread. I've washed all clothing that I was even remotely wearing the day I came in contact with the shit. I even washed all the clothes I though of wearing. Just in case. So why the hell do I keep on having new spots of itchy crazy blister mania appear every day? This fucking sucks dude.
• Dude. (And why do I feel like a surfer from the 60's living in California? Totally. Dude.)

Heart Healthy Friday

First of all, thank you to everyone who made the vow with me to become heart healthy. The links to everyone taking the challenge will go up next week. Every week I plan on posting a Heart Healthy Friday update. In these updates I will share things I tried to make my life healthier. This isn't about weight loss or trying to look good in a bikini, this is about being healthy. This is about changing the way I live my life so that I can be here, alive and on this earth, to celebrate my 50th wedding anniversary, to witness my children growing up, to hear my grandchildren giggle and to be the most fucking awesome old broad this world has ever seen.

This week I:

• Tried to get 8 hours of sleep every night. Thwarted by my teething daughter and Aaron's massive nose bleed at 12:30 am. Hey, but I tried.
• Worked on eating more fruits and vegetables. Hard for this carb happy lady.
• Tried to laugh and hug my kids more.
• Started to get my butt up off the couch and exercise. Started is the key word....heh.

I have to park in a structure everyday for work. Next week I want to park on the 4th floor and take the stairs. Every bit of movement helps. I also need to work on de-stressing. My down time usually doesn't start until about 9pm, so I haven't had much luck in finding my happy place. (Not that kind of happy place. Kevin's good at finding that. Yeesh, you perverts.) It's also strangely the small things that make me happy. I LOVE to shop (no, really?! I'm positive you didn't know that.) Next Friday some friends and I are hitting the thrift stores. Nothing like cheap retail therapy to make a girl smile. I also need to purge my closet and donate items to Purple Heart. (Okay, fine, shopping isn't going to make me heart healthy, so what's your point? It makes me happy.) Also, this makes me happy. When I get stressed, my skin shows it. It's been red and blotchy for months. The Burts Bees overnight creme is my savior. I'm going to try the toner too. In short, my goals for next week are: more exercise, less stress. Wish me luck. I need it.

What are your goals? What do you find helps you to de-stress? Do you have an exercise routine that's short and sweet for this over worked and too busy for her damn good mom? Share please!

Like a crack addict

Okay, OKAY, I admit it. I have a problem. It began about a month ago and seemed so.....innocent. I didn't mean for anything to start, it just happened. I should probably feel guilty, but honestly I don't. One day it's probably going to all come back to me and bite me in my ass when my daughter is 16 and in therapy. But I can't stop.

Hello, my name is Nicole and I'm addicted to baby legwarmers.

There I said it. Are you happy now?! It started with one simple formula/ diapers Target run and I picked up a pair of BabyLegs, and really I wasn't impressed, especially for the amount of money they cost. They pilled on the bottom, snagged and the elastic cut into my chub-a-lub baby girl. But I LOVED the idea of them. No tights, easy diaper changes, perfect for these early summer days when the mornings are still cool. So I did some searching and stumbled upon Crawler Covers and I haven't looked back. Better quality and much more affordable.

If loving you is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

You think I'm kidding about the addiction. Baby leg warmers are my crack. (Like crack the drug...not crack my ass. Just in case you were confused about the two. Hey, don't give me that look. I live with a teenage boy. Of course I had to clarify that. If you have any doubt, then obviously you've never had a conversation with a hormonal teenage boy. Go on, I dare you. You'll never be the same again. And neither will your pantry.)

On to my crack evidence. It's so incriminating.

 

 

(these have monkeys on them. really, must you smirk at me that way?)
  

 

 

 
(those are pirate skulls and probably my fave pair.)

See I told you. Addicted. To the max. All I need now are sweatbands and a torn off the shoulder sweatshirt. Then I could teach her to flash dance. 12 step program anyone? Baby leg warmers anonymous?

Better yet, come on over to the dark side. You know you want to.

Picture smorgeshborg

I've got oodles of pictures I just have to share with everyone. That and I needed a good excuse to say smorgeshborg. A word that is ten times more fun to say than crotch. And I'm pretty damn sure nothing rhymes with smorgeshborg.

Cereal, the Onslaught. (Another great word. What rhymes with onslaught?!)

First bite....unsure.........

 

Second bite, weirded out......

 

Third bite, WTF?!

 

Fourth bite, would much rather eat the bib.......

 

Now ready to lose her shit.......

 

Oh thank god, the crazy lady took off my bib and I found my thumb.....

Camera, the Onslaught

Oh lookey a flashy camera thingy......

 

Closer.......

 

Trying harder.........

 

Oh nevermind, my thumb is way cooler.

 

Five Years Old and I Know More Than You, the Onslaught.

My little tree hugger, who today asked for a bunk-a-bed. Where the hell am I going to find a bunk-a-bed?! And don't you even dare try to correct him. Obviously. What the hell was I thinking?

 

And finally an over excited 5 year old and a moody hormonal teenager. Let's title this:

Teenager, A Moody Get the Fucking Camera Out Of My Face Onslaught

 

(smorgeshborg, smorgeshborg, smorgeshborg.........sorry, had to get that out of my system......)

Like a retaining wall, only not really..........

Sunday (which is today still right?!) I had Ken bring up Aaron's old high chair so I could wipe it down and start Sophia on the wonders of all that is oatmeal. That and she really likes to sit up now and watch everything so I figured it was the perfect place to put her while I'm cooking and while we are all eating dinner. I started to wipe down the chair cover when I noticed that there were white spots all over it. Upon closer discovery it turned out to be mold. Thank you Michigan basements. You think you know humidity, come to Michigan in the middle of July. It feels like your putting on a damn blanket in 95 degree heat every time you walk outside. Only the blanket doesn't protect you from our state bird, the mosquito. Nor does it protect your hair from going ape-shit crazy. There is a reason I keep my hair super short most of the time. Afros don't look good on me. (Question, why does my cat snort when she cleans herself?!)

Where was I?! Oh yeah, high chair. Obviously I couldn't let my daughter's precious ass sit on mold, so into the garbage it went and off to the baby box store we went. I had some gift cards saved up, hoping to buy cute clothes with them, but high chair it is. The shopping trip was uneventful and when we returned home I set Sophia-Bobia on her play mat and began the assembly. Unlike most males, I read directions.

 

Seems like a simple enough part list, but upon closer inspection revealed this part:

 

What the hell is a crotch retainer? And why would I want my precious daughter's crotch to be retained? She's only 4 months old. Dude, isn't that, like really fucking up close and personal on a baby? For that fact, I don't even want my own crotch retained. Am I missing out on something big by not retaining said crotch? And if you type crotch one too many times, you realize what a stupid word it is. Crotch, crotch, crotch, crotch, crotch.....crotch..squatch.....motch....watch! Finally, a word that rhymes!

Despite the kinky crotch retainer, it did turn out to be a pretty cute high chair.

 
(Dude, someone, please take the steroids away from my mommy. I don't care if her poison ivy is out of whack. She's really embarrassing me with all this (whispers) crotch talk.

This is what mommy looks like after she takes the steroids and her anti itch medicine:

 

I know, I KNOW! The embarrassment! See what I have to deal with everyday?!! You know after she gives me this "cereal" stuff, she's gonna take lots of those flashy blinding pictures and show them to you all, so just be prepared and humor her okay? She's had it rough lately and could use a break. Don't tell her we had this talk. It will be our secret.)

Hey Babe

Hey Connor, it's me, your main droolin' girl. I just wanted to say thank you for my totally wicked Elmo onesie. I decided to model it for you. Aren't I stylin' and profilin'?

  

And here's one with me and my thumb. I love my thumb.

 

Aren't my leg warmers cute? Mommy says she has a whole post about them because she loves them like a crack addict or whatever that means.

Also would you look at my big brother, he lost his second tooth yesterday. I don't even have teeth yet and he's losing some. The least he could do would be to give them to me. Yeesh.

 

Anywho, I'm getting crabby. Ear infections suck. Just don't tell mommy I said suck. That's a no-no word for me.

Love ya! Tootles.

Self Control

Someone, please stop be from buying this dress for Sophia. I don't know if I can withstand the power it has over me. My heart says yes, but my bank account says no you have too many damn medical bills to pay right now.

Help.

That is all. Carry on.

A Vow

Yesterday, after waiting 5 weeks, we finally found out what my mother died from. She died from cardiovascular disease. It makes me unbelievably more pissed off because her death could have been prevented.

Cardiovascular Disease is

• The number one killer in the United States
• Hereditary
  
• Preventable
• Treatable

If my mother would have taken better care of herself she would still be here today. Mom always pushed everyone to go to the doctors for any reason, yet she did not do the same for herself. In the end, it was what killed her. Cardiovascular Disease destroyed my family and I vow it will not win from here on out. By eating healthy, exercising and not smoking I can prevent heart disease from attacking me. By having annual physicals and doctor's visits when something seems wrong, I can treat this bastard disease should I get it. I will be purchasing a pass to my local rec so I can walk the track, swim and use the exercise equipment. I vow to become heart healthy. Will you make this vow with me? Will you vow to become heart healthy? For your partner. For your children. For your grandchildren. For your friends and family. For yourself. 

You don't need a gym membership. You can walk your neighborhood. Find a workout buddy and get some videos and exercise together. The more support you have, the better.

If you would like to join me in defeating this bastard disease one person at a time, please leave me a comment. You can link to this post and I am more than happy to share the Hearth Healthy logo. I will be creating a link and page to list all of us joining together to become heart healthy. Then we can create one giant support team. This is about becoming healthy. This is about saving your family from the grief that I am experiencing today. We can do this. Please join me.

LMAO

Seriously, this has me laughing my ass off. Now if only this laughing might do something to make my waistline smaller.