My husband calls me weird

Missing

I can't help it, this picture makes me laugh every time I see it. Today the tooth was barely hanging on by a thread, so I just pulled it. Of course my overly dramatic son lost his shit when it bled a bit, but then he was prouder than flies on shit, showing his tooth free hole to all who would let him.

 

Excuse me, I have to go play tooth fairy. Later gators.

(This post was written on Thursday night. Got to love being able to write posts and set the day/time when they will go live. Makes me feel somewhat productive when really I should be cleaning my house. Or writing the tons of birthday/baptism/funeral thank you cards I need to. Instead I'm going to ignore them one more evening. It's my prerogative.)

(Singing bad 90's songs yet?)

(It's myyyyyy right, to what i wanna do...yadda, yadda, It's my prerogative........)

(You hate me now don't you?)

Like a knife in my heart

Today Aaron graduated preschool. Next stop will be kindergarten. I might have shed a tear or two. You have a problem with that? This letting go crap sucks major sweaty donkey balls. I mean, where in the hell does he get off growing up and stuff?! Talk about stabbing me in the heart. It makes me want to hold onto him a little tighter and beg him not to grow up so fast. To cuddle him a little longer. To pretend that he really doesn't look like a big boy, that he's still my baby. In the morning I like to crawl into bed with him, to enjoy his sweetness and snuggles before the angst and parental displeasure starts. I wish I could hold onto him forever. People never warn you that the hardest part about being a parent is watching them grow and letting go. It's about teaching them morals and how to make decisions by themselves when, really, you want them to need you forever. At the same time I am so proud of the young man he is becoming. Aaron is intelligent, kind, funny and gentle. As much as I want to hold onto him forever, I can't wait to see what an incredible man he becomes. If only it wouldn't happen so damn fast............

 

 

Appropriate

It just seemed so fitting. Poor chimpanzee with his big ol' butt hanging out. Bet he feels like telling people off all the time for staring. How rude! It's like when men only stare at my boobs, only not really.

(Oh don't give me that look for reusing the monkey picture from a few posts ago. At least I'm not babbling on about how much I miss my mom, so cut me some slack. Jeeeeeez! You people are so demanding.)

Sun Hat

The other day one of my best friends H took me out to lunch and to do a little shopping. She lost her dad very suddenly a little over a year ago, so she knows what I am going through and has been a big help. Actually, many of my friends unfortunately know what I am going through, including Kevin. This having a dead parent club isn't one I wanted to join for a very long time. Anyway, H and I stopped in The Children's Place to see what sort of clearance sales they were having. My mom taught me well. I never pay full price for anything. Some may call me cheap (a few of my ex-es probably), but I consider it being thrifty and smart. In the clearance bin I scored a 99 cent sun bonnet for Sophia. Afterwards, I immediately picked up the phone to call mom to tell her about my find and lost it. It's going tot take a long time before I stop trying to call her. As my best friend, I talked to her at least once a day, if not more. Seeing that I can't share the sun hat with her, I'm going to force the unbearable cuteness on you. I know, what and evil bitch I am. Take it and like it! Also, feel free to tell me how beautiful she is.

Lessons

1. I'm a hell of a lot stronger than I thought.

2. Always, always, have a central location for all important paper work. Then let someone know the location so that in the event of your passing, people can find it immediately instead of searching all over the fucking house. Then your poor grief stricken daughter wouldn't accidentally find your "toy drawer" and be scarred for life, all while running around screaming "Ewwww, I touched it, I touched it!". Who the hell keeps tax papers and vibrators in the same drawer anyways?! I'm just sayin'.

3. I have an amazing support system that I never knew I had. Everyone's support and shoulders to cry on have been what has gotten me through the past week. I couldn't have done it without everyone, especially Kevin.

4. It's okay to cry, scream, curse and be angry. Don't bottle it up.

5. When your parent/spouse dies, people send you a shitload of food. Hams seem to be the most popular.

6. Realize it's okay to escape for awhile. Tuesday, we all went to the zoo. Aaron and I need a stress break and just to let loose. It was a wonderful distraction.

  

 

 

 

 

 

  

7. And I know this is so over said, but for the love of all that is holy, please let your loved ones know how much they mean to you. You will never know when it's the last time you will see them. Life is too damn precious to be wasted.

Bittersweet

This weekend was Aaron's birthday party and Sophia's baptism. We didn't cancel because we knew my mom wouldn't want that. It was so hard to pretend I was happy and to smile. I kept looking around the corner expecting to see her smiling and playing with the kids. I still can't believe this is happening. Tomorrow is her funeral. I don't know if I can do this.

Pictures from this weekend.....

 

 

  

One moment at a time

Tuesday morning, just before I was going to walk out the door to begin my day, my cell phone rang. It was my step dad telling me my mother was in the emergency room and it was not good. I had to get there immediately. I rushed out the door and drove 80 miles per hour, begging God to save my mother, that I couldn't live without her. When I arrived at the ER I asked to go see my mother and I was sent right to the consultation room. I knew right then that she was gone. I walked into the room and looked at my step dad and lost it. I fell to the floor and started screaming. The hospital priest informed me that I couldn't scream like that there, to which I told him he couldn't fucking tell me what to do and the shut up. He didn't just lose his mother. I still have to file a complaint about him.

Yesterday we went to the funeral home. No one warned me that I would hyperventilate when having to chose a coffin for my best friend.

No one warned me I would feel like a zombie walking around. Barely alive, just going through the motions.

No one warned me that when my birthday boy cried that he wouldn't get his special baked beans grandma was going to make him for his birthday dinner that a part of my heart would be ripped from my chest.

No one warned me just how hard it would be to get out of bed each morning or to deal with life.

No one warned me just how much this would fucking suck.

I miss my best friend. I miss my mommy. Kevin keeps reminding me to take everything one moment, one step, one day at a time. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard, but this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I keep thinking I'll wake up and this will all be some horrible dream.

Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. You'll never know just how much they mean to me.

Devastated

I will be out of touch for who knows how long. I lost my best friend, my mother, very suddenly this morning.

I don't know how to function.

I don't know what to do besides cry and curse God.

My life will never be the same again.

Birthday Boy

This Thursday is Aaron's 5th birthday.

Did you hear that?

Sorry, that was just me weeping in the corner. It's hard to believe my little boy is already that big. It seems just like yesterday Kevin and I were bringing him home from the hospital. This week in honor of my birthday boy I am going to be perusing through my hard drive and posting pictures of moments of these past wonderful five years. Enjoy my memory lane.

Excuse me, I think I need a stiff drink and some ice cream.

Thank you my sweet boy for making me a mom.................