Tuesday morning, just before I was going to walk out the door to begin my day, my cell phone rang. It was my step dad telling me my mother was in the emergency room and it was not good. I had to get there immediately. I rushed out the door and drove 80 miles per hour, begging God to save my mother, that I couldn't live without her. When I arrived at the ER I asked to go see my mother and I was sent right to the consultation room. I knew right then that she was gone. I walked into the room and looked at my step dad and lost it. I fell to the floor and started screaming. The hospital priest informed me that I couldn't scream like that there, to which I told him he couldn't fucking tell me what to do and the shut up. He didn't just lose his mother. I still have to file a complaint about him.
Yesterday we went to the funeral home. No one warned me that I would hyperventilate when having to chose a coffin for my best friend.
No one warned me I would feel like a zombie walking around. Barely alive, just going through the motions.
No one warned me that when my birthday boy cried that he wouldn't get his special baked beans grandma was going to make him for his birthday dinner that a part of my heart would be ripped from my chest.
No one warned me just how hard it would be to get out of bed each morning or to deal with life.
No one warned me just how much this would fucking suck.
I miss my best friend. I miss my mommy. Kevin keeps reminding me to take everything one moment, one step, one day at a time. I'm trying, I'm trying so hard, but this is the hardest thing I've ever had to go through. I keep thinking I'll wake up and this will all be some horrible dream.
Thank you for all your thoughts and prayers. You'll never know just how much they mean to me.