Gosh Damnit
Typepad ate my last post. It was a good post. I miss that post. Now, you get crap. Since I am too pissed off to continue, I will leave you with this question-
Where can I get really good reusable bags that don't cost an arm & a leg? They need to hold a lot because my grocery shopping trips are usually $100 or more. I have a few, but they are small and don't hold enough. Email me or leave a comment. Thanks!
Have a couple amusing jokes and enjoy your weekend. Don't do anything I wouldn't do, which basically leaves you free to do just about everything.
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.
The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm.
An officer is on the way.'
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
'Disregard.' He says. 'She got
in the back-seat by mistake.'
________________________________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the
bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.'
She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
________________________________________________________________________
'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss,
were playing golf one fine March
day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,
isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And
the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
_______________________________________________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls
in a nursing home. As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown
and say 'Supersex.'
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him,
she said, 'Supersex.'
He sat silently for a moment
or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the
soup.'
_______________________________________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS:
Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "'Now don't get mad at me
.. I know we've been friends for a long time, but
I just can't think of your
name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what
your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she
just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to
know?'
_______________________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,
his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning
him, 'Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way
on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not
just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
_______________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came
to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it.
I
could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few
more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red
again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she
was
losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
enough,
the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the
other
woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three
red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to
her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'
Where can I get really good reusable bags that don't cost an arm & a leg? They need to hold a lot because my grocery shopping trips are usually $100 or more. I have a few, but they are small and don't hold enough. Email me or leave a comment. Thanks!
Have a couple amusing jokes and enjoy your weekend. Don't do anything I wouldn't do, which basically leaves you free to do just about everything.
LOST IN THE DARNDEST PLACES:
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her
car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to
the dispatcher: 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake
pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.
The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm.
An officer is on the way.'
A few minutes later, the officer radios in.
'Disregard.' He says. 'She got
in the back-seat by mistake.'
________________________________________________________________________
FAMILY
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house
together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the
bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.'
She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down?'
The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening
to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get
that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help
both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
________________________________________________________________________
'I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss,
were playing golf one fine March
day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy,
isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.'
And
the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
_______________________________________________________________________
LITTLE LADY:
A little old lady was running up and down the halls
in a nursing home. As
she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown
and say 'Supersex.'
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping
her gown at him,
she said, 'Supersex.'
He sat silently for a moment
or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the
soup.'
_______________________________________________________________________
OLD FRIENDS:
Now this one is just too Precious...LOL!
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years,
they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their
activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play
cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and
said, "'Now don't get mad at me
.. I know we've been friends for a long time, but
I just can't think of your
name! I've thought and thought, but I can't
remember it. Please tell me what
your name is.'
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she
just stared and
glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to
know?'
_______________________________________________________________________
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway,
his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning
him, 'Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way
on Interstate 77.
Please be careful!'
'Heck,' said Herman, 'It's not
just one car. It's hundreds of them!'
_______________________________________________________________________
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both
could barely see
over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came
to an
intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The
woman in the passenger seat thought to herself 'I must be losing it.
I
could have sworn we just went through a red light.' After a few
more
minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red
again.
Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was
almost
sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she
was
losing it. She was getting nervous. At the next intersection, sure
enough,
the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the
other
woman and said, 'Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three
red
lights in a row? You could have killed us both!'
Mildred turned to
her and said, 'Oh, crap, am I driving ?'
