My husband calls me weird

The Monster Mash (ooooooOoooo) It was a grave yard smash

Happy Halloween folks. I love this day. Granted it bugs the piss out of me when adults think they can walk around and go trick or treating without even wearing a costume just because they want to get candy for free, but dang-it all, it's worth it to see the little kids in their awesome costumes. I especially love the ones the kids make themselves. May you engorge yourself on yummy little fun size candy bars (save the Kit-Kats for me.) This is the only night the calories don't count!

I want to quickly shout out a huge DAMN YOU! to Jenny for getting me hooked on this website. It's too much fucking fun (there I go again with that fuck word.) It is very addictive. You want to see what more great things you can do to your pictures. I totally recommend it to everyone. And IT"S FREE! (unless you want to upgrade the options then it's only $25 for the year. Not too shabby if you ask me.) Examine the awesomeness.

Oh and yes, we did close yesterday. It was a bit of a nightmare, but it's done. The closing costs were higher than we expected, but the mortgage company rolled in December's payment into the closing costs, so now we don't have to make a payment until January 1. I get the idea and the money would have had to of been paid at some point, but it was still a bit of a "What the fuck?!?!" when we received the closing numbers. It's done. We officially move on the 17th, but I am on vacation from work for two weeks starting this Friday to get everything ready and move the lighter boxes and shit. I'll be around every now and then, especially with pictures and before and afters of the rooms we paint. Just don't expect my daily wonderfulness until mid November. Please, don't cry. I know it's heartbreaking. You can do it.

In other news, my  Grandma gets to come home today!!! I'm very excited. I have been pushing her to come home for weeks. This is excellent news. It would be even happier news if my mother didn't decide last night to fall off her front porch (we are a graceful bunch) and break her ankle. I'm going to be pulling double duty to give her a hand with G-to-the-M-A. Wouldn't my 96 year old Grandma get a kick out of me calling her that? She'd probably kick my ass.

And finally a Baby B update. Please, PLEASE keep up the prayers. The biopsy tests showed the tumor to be benign, but the poor little guy has been diagnosed with a fibroma. This is the type of tumor that is usually the cause of the stories you hear of children suddenly dropping dead on the playground. He goes in for bypass surgery (very scary shit) tomorrow at noon to have the tumor removed. If you think of it tomorrow at noon, I'd like everyone to say a brief prayer as he heads into surgery. Thank you guys so much.

%$&%&%^(*&%^*&%%^%!!!!!

Guess what?!?! No really guess. I bet you'll never get it!!!!

We didn't close yesterday. Fucktards. It just goes to show that even when you go the right route, get everything pre-approved and taken care of a month and a half ago that shit still goes haywire. When we first decided to start looking at homes, I called the Credit Union (hereby know as dip-shits) and Kevin and I were immediately approved. I guess when your credit scores are high enough to make people gasp and hug you along with having no credit then they will offer you the moon. Before we even placed an offer, we made sure we had all the financial issues figured out. We signed paperwork and loan applications. Everything was set.  Then the mortgage broker we had been working with at the dip-shit credit union decides to leave his job for another. We get a call from our new rep who (surprise!) doesn't have half the information we had already given the original rep. Not a big deal (note this took place 3 weeks ago, still plenty of time to get things in order.) Then I get another call informing us that they will not do the loan program we signed up for. Please note that the loan paperwork was SIGNED at this moment. Being that it is a mortgage company that works for credit unions, they can also work as a mortgage broker and branch out to other mortgage companies to cover things. Our new rep (after getting an ear full from me threatening a lawyer) finds a mortgage company willing to do the program we need (which to begin with wasn't out of the ordinary to begin with. We needed it to by interest only until our current house sold and we wanted to pay the taxes out of pocket and not in escrow. People! The money for everything is in our accounts! The only debt we have is our current house and a car. One TWO FREAKING SALARIES! This should not even be an issue.) As of last week I was still being asked for paperwork from the actual mortgage company that was suppling us with the money. Oh no, wait it gets better. Then the title company screws up the title, the mortgage company gets pissy about the title company and demands a desk review of the mortgage, my Realtor blames the broker, the broker blames everyone else. Needless to say, we got FUCKED. And the poor sellers who were set to close on their new house today. Closing has been rescheduled for 4pm today, but the broker is being a pain in the ass and won't approve the closing until her ducks are in order. Meaning we are being FUCKED. Without lube. So it's uncomfortable, burning and not even close to being satisfying. Needless to say I am watching both Kevin and my dreams burning to the fucking ground. I'm am petrified that this won't happen. If we do not close today, you bet your damn petuties that I will not only yank my loan out of the current brokers hands (oh yeah, might I also point out that we were approved for the SAME loan program through every mortgage company we reviewed? Dumb us.), but I will get a lawyer and call our local news "Investigators". I do believe the news would be quite interested in learning about how another mortgage company has managed to fuck another family. I don't know about where you guys live, but here in Michigan, mortgage companies have been in the newspapers and in the news almost every day. It seems my inner bitch needs to come out and kick some ass. Have I ever mentioned I am not a person to fuck with? I do not like my family being taken advantage of. It pisses me off. Enough that my "fuck" count on my blog has skyrocketed. Do you think I can say fuck some more? Fuck, fuck, fuckity fuck.

Okay......I need chocolate. Here enjoy some pictures from this weekend's Halloween Party. Maybe that might make you forgive me for the obsessive use of the word fuck.

(I swear  I do not look that fat in person. I blame the white nylon jumpsuit. And the Godiva.)

My security blanket Fun Monday

This week is hosted by the lovely Karina, whose very candid if you ask me. This week our challenge is:

Show us your security blankets- what you can't leave home without.

So um, hello my name is Nikki and at 27 I still have a blanket.

Even better? It has a picture of Linus on it. Yes, mentally I am 4 years old. You got a problem with that?

It's made from sweatshirt material and is the next bext thing to cuddle up with besides the hubby Kevin.

What else can't I leave home with? Try my three year old Elvis impersonator.

Go check out the rest of the Fun Monday participants! And that's an order (uh-huh-huh, best Elvis hip wiggle shake.)

If you love it, it will cure your ear infections

Last night after Aaron's nightly does of amoxicillin (fucking ear infections), I let him put the medicine away in the refrigerator. As I was walking out of the kitchen I hear Aaron whisper,

"Nun-night pink medicine. Sleep tight. I love you."

That's my little drug addict.

Wanna see what I'm going to be for Halloween? You only get three guesses and the first two don't count.

(and that would be a black wig next to the costume bag, not a rat as it so might resemble.)

Yes, I promise pictures. We have a party to go to tomorrow. This should be interesting.

And finally, how about our weekly Google search records? I tell you, there be some mighty weird fuckers assholes perverts great best friends who make their way to my door. Seriously, do you know what brings most people my way? That damn house centipede. Get a life people!

Catholic high school + shit - Hmmmmmm, interesting one. I have to admit I've taken a few shits in my Catholic high school. Hey, don't look at me like that! When you got to go, you go to go! Make sure you do a courtesy flush.

More sex than you'll ever need - Good for you! Although I didn't know there was such a thing. Can one ever have too much sex? Enjoy it baby!

My boss calls me gypsy - Uh.....okay. I bet if you called him Dancing Queen he'd stop. Unless you like being called Gypsy. Then I am of no help to you.

Husband calls me fat - I'm getting pretty sick of this search. Like I've said before and will repeat until someone slaps me; then kick him in the crotch. I bet he won't call you fat anymore. Even better, call his winky small and forward all of those "Get your penis enlarged cheap" spam emails his way. My guess he'll get the point sooner than later.

Halloween decorated jello shooters - Hell yes. Invite me over. May I suggest cherry jello with amaretto? Works even better if you add an extra packet of gelatin. Jello shot jigglers!!!!! Anyone want to join in the fun?!

I watched my husband fuck my mother - Holy shit! Did you puke Linda Blair style? May I suggest a divorce and some therapy?

Why does oatmeal give me gas? - Dude, have you read the fiber content in oatmeal? Uh, duh bitch.

Brain Dead, not that I had much of a brain anyways. Otherwise known as the longest post title in the history of blogging.

My friends' son's surgery went smoothly yesterday. Obviously the biopsy results won't be in for about a week, but all indications show that the tumor is benign. The doctors also think that should the tumor have to be removed it is operable, but the poor little baby would have to go on bypass for it to be removed. They also think there is a chance that the tumor will shrink as he gets older. Please still keep him (we can call him B) in your prayers. This is only just one hurdle he has crossed. B's parents are so very grateful for everyone keeping their little boy in your thoughts and prayers. It really means a lot.

Since this has been a rather humorless week, I thought I'd offer something to make you smile.
Enjoy!

 

 

Ummmm, help?

Did you smell that? Sorry, that was just me, shitting my pants. Closing has been confirmed for 4pm, Monday the 29th. We get possession next Friday. Gulp. There is so much fucking stuff that needs to be done. Finish packing, schedule the movers, switch over utilities, go broke, etc. Not to mention all the little things we are doing. The new house has an electric stove. We are switching it over to gas. The gas pipe sits directly under the kitchen, it just needs to be extended up. Then we have to buy a new stove. We are going with this one. We also have to purchase a washer/dryer. I think we are going with this make and style.  I've looked at LG, but the price tag scares me. Anyone out there have any personal experiences with these washing machines? Opinions? Bueller? Anyone? Bueller?

This morning as Aaron and I were driving in, he was eating a package of Spiderman fruit snacks (oh don't give me that look, they're made with REAL fruit juice!). After he finished eating, Aaron started throwing a fit about how sticky his hands were. (Where he got his OCD tendencies from, I will never know). He started to beg for a wipe. I don't carry baby wipes with me anymore and the other day he had used my last single packaged Wet Wipe (BEST invention ever for potty training children!!) I had nothing and the cute booger butt WOULD. NOT. STOP. WHINING. So, uh, I dug around in my purse and found one of those Always wipes attached to a pad. Please tell me I was being ingenious and not disturbing. He asked why it smelled like flowers.......                                                                        

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Thank you, everyone, for your prayers yesterday for my friends' little boy. He goes in today for open heart surgery to biopsy the tumor and remove it if possible. Please continue with your prayers.                                                                  
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Enjoy an October sunset. These will be few and far between when snow season starts.

(Psssst! Like the new look? If you don't see it, hit for refresh button.)

If you pray

I normally don't do this. I'm also not usually the religious or praying type, but for this I am willing to beg God and to believe. I have to believe that prayers will help.  Last week, my best friend's little boy (just 1 year old today) had a seizure. Upon making it to the hospital they find out he has pneumonia. Then they notice a heart arrhythmia. After more tests, they locate a tumor on his heart. This sweet little boy goes in for a biopsy tomorrow. Please pray. Please ask your friends and family to pray for this little boy's well being. No child or family should have to go through this. Thank you.    

Fashion Fun Monday

Sorry this is a bit late. I really try to get my Fun Monday post up the night before for all you early FM readers. Last night I was watching Transformers too tired. This week is hosted by the incorrigible Willowtree whose Barbie is still being held captive by a dingo. We are challenged to:

"This week's Fun Monday is being hosted by WT, he wants to see some clothing art. That's tee shirts, baseball caps, hoodies, sports uniforms or any bit of clothing that you or your kids own that has interesting, funny or artistic graphics."

Me being a complete clothing whore I figured this would be a piece of cake. (Please note the use of the word CLOTHING before whore thankyouverymuch.) That is until I realized all of my cool stuff is packed up and ready to go for the BIG BAD MOVE (insert scary Halloween music here). We close next Monday. Did you hear that? That was me screaming with fear. Needless to say.....I had to improvise for FM.

In my house, shorts become hats (it's the latest fashion craze......)

And leaves become the perfect accessory.

(and yes, I'm hoping images of my adorable kids are enough to make you ignore the fact that I failed this week's assignment. Oh well, if you don't like it, tough cookies!)

Make sure you visit everyone else! I bet they know how to follow directions. (Hey my excuse was good, wasn't it?!)

The mystery is solved...sort of.

"What, don't look at me. It's not my fault!"
"Then we were squished under the bed because......."
"I didn't do it!"

"I think the Gorilla did it. He's always been the jealous type."

A letter to my ass

Dear my ass,

We've been through a lot, you and me. Weight loss, tight pants, thongs, that brief "commando" stage (sorry about that).  I can't complain too much, after all I am stuck with you no matter what. It's just that, this widening thing you've got going on? It needs to stop. I don't mean to be rude. You were fantastic through my "Mexican Food! Every Night!" stage. And the one too many lemon drop shot night?!??! You were a real trooper, but my pants are going to stop fitting sometime in the not so distant future. We were doing so well. Yeah okay, I indulged your Double Stuffed Oreo urges during the cootchie cancer fear and the Ben & Jerry's craving when we thought Grandma was dying. I even gave into your Pepperoni Pizza moving stress. I'm sorry to say that I am drawing the line now.  Please understand that when you start calling out "Lemon Bars, I want Lemon Bars!" I may hear you, but I will be ignoring your pleas. It's for your own damn good. It's time for some tough love. Don't give me that look. You knew it was coming. Together we can do this!!

Best regards,
Your owner (Nikki, in case you forgot.)

PS: There will be no calling in reinforcements with the love handles. They know their days are numbered.

PSS: Okay ass, it looks like you get a week reprieve. The hubby delivered Godiva to my office for Sweetest Day (And Roses!). And you totally know, one cannot resist the powers of Godiva. It's magic. And apparently so is the hubby.